Cope to live
by HeartOfFlame
Summary: Rose has been thinking and she has decided to take steps to protect the Doctor from the grief of death, As he walks back into the Tardis and flys away she attempts to get on with her life, but can she and even more important... Can he?


_**This is a songfic about Rose and the doctor… I always wondered if they parted what would happen. This is a lil bit of what I think would happen... Enjoy! **_

**_Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who, and I don't own Lifehouse's song Blind._**

_I was young but I wasn't naive  
I watched helpless as he turned around to leave  
and still I have the pain I have to carry  
A past so deep that even you could not burry if you tried  
_

Rose felt the tears come to her eyes as she watched the Tardis disappearing, "my doctor…" she whispered as the sound faded and she was alone, away from her true love. "It was for the best…" she said trying to console herself, trying to close the gaping hole in her heart, the hole left by him. She remembered how his hand felt when they first met, she remembered the time she spent travelling with his former self, and she felt the dull ache that had been tucked away in her heart, the ache caused by his regeneration. Images of the things shed been through with him, after the regeneration, flashed through her mind and she could see clearly the love and pain in his eyes as he walked away. Her doctor had left her, or more truthfully, she had pushed him away, so he wouldn't have to see her death in the future. She wanted him to remember her like this and remember that she had wanted him to be spared of the pain of losing her, but because of this she brought herself the pain of losing him.

_After all this time  
I never thought we'd be here  
Never thought we'd be here  
When my love for you is blind  
But I couldn't make you see it  
Couldn't make you see it  
_

Rose went home and hugged her mother, she couldn't open her mouth to tell Jackie what had happened, and if she tried to speak about it she might break down. Jackie held her daughter, rocking her and comforting her "its ok sweetie, it's ok" little did she know that it would be a while till Rose was ok. Rose went to bed that night and dreamed, she saw the joyous expression on the doctor's face as her body was uninhabited by Cassandra on New Earth, she felt the protectiveness and fear for her as he pulled her into the library in the torchwood house to keep her from seeing the man torn apart by the werewolf. She had seen, many times, the love the doctor had for her.  
In the morning when Rose was woken by her mum, she wondered if the doctor had ever seen her love for him, and as she thought that she felt the searing pain of loss in her heart and lost control, she sobbed into her pillow and didn't stir as her mother came in to comfort her.  
"Oh Rose sweetie" she said as she rubbed her daughters back.

_  
That I loved you more than you'll ever know  
and part of me died when I let you go  
_

It was about a week later that the doctor could be mentioned without Rose breaking down in tears. She only had her mum left who knew about him so it had usually been Jackie who had unmeaningly mentioned him. Rose had gotten a job at the local pub as a barmaid, it was a night time job so she could help out her mum in the day. Jackie complained about the job constantly but Rose reminded her they needed money and this was as good as it got till she could get a proper career.  
She was working late one night and a couple came in and sat at the bar, Rose served them and watched them out of the corner of her eye, they seemed so in love and she couldn't help but notice she and the doctor had been like that once. She felt the ache of loss again and went into the backroom, signalling her mate Shireen that she would only be a minute. Rose crumpled to the ground once the door was closed and sobbed her heart out for the doctor, she wanted him back more than anything. Shireen peeked into the room after quietly opening the door, she had noticed Rose hadn't been herself since she lost that bloke her mum had mentioned, she had also overheard her Rose talking to herself and telling herself that she would get over him. Shireen knew her best friend and knew that if she tried to get involved her and rose would have a fallout, so Shireen made an excuse for Rose when the boss enquired her whereabouts.  
Much later, Rose emerged and noticed Shireen had already closed up for her "Thanks" she said and smiled slightly at her mate. Shireen just hugged her and said  
"go home babe, you look like hell" she smiled and dodged the playful slap from Rose as she walked out the door.

_  
I would fall asleep only in hopes of dreaming  
That everything would be like it was before  
But nights like this it seems are slowly fleeting  
They disappear as reality is crashing to the floor  
_

Rose crawled into bed that night after a cup of tea with her mum and fell asleep as her head hit the pillow, she dreamt of the doctor and the adventures, she dreamt of what he might be doing that night and she hoped he had come to terms with her pushing him away, she hoped he knew why she had done it as well.  
She woke in the morning feeling refreshed for the first time in ages, she smiled and hugged her mum as she went to get there breakfast. Jackie smiled and was happy Rose seemed to be getting over the doctor, she suggested they do some shopping and for the first time since the doctor had left she saw Rose with a sparkle in her eye, almost like she used to have.  
Rose was in a good mood for almost the whole day but her mood faltered as it came closer to night, it was one of the rare nights she didn't work and it scared her that she would be sitting in the house with nothing to keep her mind off him, she was feeling good after a whole day without the ache and she knew that it would come back, it always did and always would.

_  
After all this time  
I never thought we'd be here  
Never thought we'd be here  
When my love for you is blind  
But I couldn't make you see it  
Couldn't make you see it  
_

Rose went to bed early hoping the dreams would be of good moments, but to her dismay they weren't, she dreamed over and over again of him regenerating and the moments as he walked back into the Tardis, she tossed and turned in the night and mumbled, in her dreams she was trying to scream to him, ask him not to leave but her mouth wouldn't open and no words would come out. Her feet wouldn't take the steps to reach him and her arms wouldn't reach out to touch him. She was immobilised and watching him leaver her again and again. She woke screaming and her mother was at her side with a glass of water and a box of tissues.  
Jackie held her daughter as she sobbed and shook "I'm so sorry sweetie, I'm so sorry…" she whispered over and over again.

_  
That I loved you more than you'll ever know  
and part of me died when I let you go  
_

Rose cried, remembering all the love that they shared and remembering just what she was missing. She could live without the adventure and the stars and planets, she could live without the weird civilisations and the quirky alien places. She could live without the timeless feeling of being in the Tardis, she could live without that freedom. Rose, however, couldn't live without the doctor. She couldn't live without his love.

_  
After all this while  
Would you ever wanna leave it  
Maybe you could not believe it  
That my love for you is blind  
But I couldn't make you see it  
Couldn't make you see it  
_

It was a year after the revelation that she couldn't live without him and for the first time in her life Rose was truly alone. She had gotten into her car and was driving away from the funeral of her mother. She was cold now, she didn't have her mother to hug her and fill her with warmth anymore and she still carried that ache for the doctor.  
She parked the car in front of the house she had bought for her mother and herself about half a year ago and as she stepped out she didn't notice that the chair on the veranda was occupied. She walked all the way up to the front door then stopped, she turned to face the stranger and her breath caught in her throat. The doctor stood and walked over to her "Rose…" he said quietly and put his palm on her cheek "Oh my Rose… what happened to you?" he asked. Rose was still staring at him in disbelief, she flinched when his hand touched her and then as his voice washed over her senses she cried and leaned into him "Doctor, your real, doctor…" she sobbed against him and he held her soothing her by stroking her back. After her sobbing had subsided she let him into her house and got them a cup of tea, she noticed the doctor looking at her black funeral dress inquiringly "Mum died…" she said simply but the sorrow in her eyes spoke a thousand words.  
The doctor looked shocked "it was only a month for me and so long has passed for you, oh rose why did I leave you?" he asked and for the first time, Rose saw the doctor shed a tear.

_  
That I loved you more than you'll ever know  
and part of me died when I let you go_

and I loved you more than you'll ever know  
and part of me died when I let you go

Rose sat next to him and leaned into his arms "I pushed you away, you always said that it was hard to see someone close to you die, so I pushed you away to save you're the grief of losing me" she calmly explained it, in a year she had cried all she could cry, she understood the pain the doctor felt when losing someone now.

The doctor looked down at her and rubbed his palm across her cheek "I will be torn apart by grief if I lose you, but I should've told you I would rather spend a lifetime with you and go through the pain of your death than just leave you behind and never get this time with you… I love you" he said the last part with all the feeling he could put into 3 words.  
Rose looked up at the doctor and realised he had said what she always wanted to hear from his lips, the 3 words that would have changed her mind about leaving him, she whispered back to him "I love you too" and was filled with warmth as the doctor kissed her and healed the hole in her heart caused by him. Finally they both understood the situation and the feeling of completion they had always felt with each other, finally life made sense to Rose and finally love made sense to the Doctor.

_**So what do you think for my first attempt at a love and angst songfic? Hope you liked it… I know I enjoyed writing it.**_


End file.
